Attachment Theory - Is your inner child running the show?

If you have ever wondered why you are endlessly ghosting your dating app matches, panic texting your best friend when they don’t immediately reply or avoiding phone calls like they are the debt collectors, you can thank your attachment style.

That’s right folks - those relationship quirks? There’s a theory that covers that and it’s called Attachment Theory. So buckle up while we take a deep dive into the science of why your brain sometimes behaves like a clingy toddler.

Attachment Theory, developed by British psychologist Jonathon Bowlby in the mid 20th century, suggests that the bond we form with our primary care giver (usually our mother but could be our dad or anyone else that raises us) plays a significant role in shaping how we connect with others. In essence, we learn how to be adults in relationships by how we were treated as kids.

There are four main attachment styles and you probably fall into one of these. Each style has its own brand of emotional chaos: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant and Fearful Avoidant or Disorganised. Let’s take a look at each one and see which toddler tantrum lives inside you.

Secure attachment

Congratulations! You are emotionally stable, trust people and aren’t constantly checking your partner’s instagram stories for suspicious activity. Your caregivers were probably there for you emotionally, physically and with a hug when you needed one. They may have also provided healthy boundaries and did not hesitate to intervene when you overstepped the mark but always in a firm but kind manner. You approach relationships with a balanced mix of independence and closeness. You are like the Golden Retriever of attachment styles - friendly, confident and rarely anxious.

Anxious attachment

Uh Oh, you might be the one who double-checks texts, worries that you are about to get dumped for no reason and reads way too much into a simple emoji. You crave closeness but are terrified of abandonment - you just want to be loved but boy you can be a bit intense about it! You’re the person who sends the ‘are you angry with me text’ after receiving a perfectly normal ‘I’m busy’ response. Your caregivers might have been inconsistent - there sometimes but at other times emotionally unavailable, which taught you to be hyper-vigilant in relationships. Sound exhausting? It is!

Avoidant attachment

Here are the cool toddlers who are too busy playing alone to even care if their caregiver is around. Relationships? No thanks - I’ll pass. You’re fiercely independent, avoid intimacy and might even do some eye rolling during Rom-coms. Your caregivers may have been distant or at least not super-responsive to your emotional needs and this trained you to rely solely on yourself. The result - you have mastered the art of emotional detachment.

Disorganised attachment.

This style is really the wild card of attachment styles - a mixture of anxious and avoidant.

You crave connection but simultaneously fear it, which makes relationships feel like a chaotic game of emotional tag. It’s as if you are saying ‘come close – but not too close’. Your caregivers may have been somewhat unpredictable in their care giving - at times approachable but at other times angry or dismissive.

So how does Attachment Style impact your life? Well it can show up in your friendships and romantic relationships and even how you interact with co-workers or with your local barista!

Understanding your attachment style is like getting a user manual for your emotional life. Once you have identified it, you can work on it to heal and grow.

The good news is that you are not doomed to be clingy or avoidant forever! Whilst attachment styles form in childhood, they are not set in stone. With therapy, self awareness and by fostering healthy relationships with securely-attached people, you can start to shift

towards a more secure attachment. Attachment theory shows that deep-down, we are all still a bit like toddlers, just with better vocabulary and better (hopefully) impulse control.

Article by Psychologist Kathy O'Keeffe ~ The Anna Centre